Parenting Coach and the master of stopping tantrums - Camilla M

A brilliant conversation with Camilla Miller who is an authorised Language of Listening® coach. Language of Listening is a different way of speaking and thinking. It’s coaching language that takes you out of the role of managing your child’s behaviour and puts you on your child’s side as their life coach.
 
Camilla’s a master tantrum coach. She supports parents of children under ten years of age whose lives have been taken over by their child’s tantrums and out of control behaviour. supporting you to restore calm to your household and joy to your family life.
 
You can sign up for her Free How to get your kids to listen willingly, guide here. 

Guest: Camilla Miller
Host: Urmi Raval 
Sound Editor: Maja Pronko 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:01

Welcome to Eternal Paradigm. Together, we're uncovering human experience by exploring physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual stories. With me, your host, Ermi Ravel. Hello, welcome to this episode of Eternal Paradigm. I hope you're enjoying your journey to find you. I just want to share with you, it's a little bit of a celebration because for series one of Eternal Paradigm, we have hit 30 episodes. Yes, this is episode 31. There we go. And this episode is just brilliant. I mean, absolutely brilliant because I say that about all of the episodes and all of my guests, but that's okay because that's who they are. That's who the universe aligns me with because I feel like aligning with these people, these incredible, amazing guests who are experts in their field, in their journeys, in their lives, lets me bring to you the different opportunities, possibilities, challenges, road bumps, mountains, and all of that stuff. And also how they've navigated their way through all of that. So just going back, To me, I'm an incredibly curious soul, like very curious, very inquisitive. And that's why I like doing this and also just working with people. I'm obsessed with human, human's behavior. I just find it fascinating when certain people do things. I do kind of go, wow, that's amazing. Why did that happen? Why did they do that? Because I am nosy. But I do the same thing to myself. Because I'm just so incredibly nosy. Just a little bit of an update, really. Eternal Paradigm is still happening, still carrying on. We still have a few more episodes left to go before I head off onto a mini break. But we're still going to have background stuff happening. Just to give you a quick heads up, guys, remember that the Eternal Paradigm Facebook page is there. Come and join us. You just have to search up Eternal Paradigm. If you're friends with me on Facebook already and you're listening to the podcast but you haven't joined the group, that's okay. I don't take it personally, but come and join the group. And if you don't want to join the group, that's fine. Just drop me a message. Share with me whatever you feel you want to. Keep your feedback and your comments coming. Absolutely love those. you know it's just so amazing you know ever since the podcast started it's been incredible just to hear all this feedback from people about which episodes have really really shifted something for them or shown them what's possible for them and also to get listeners to get you to see what's possible for you the other thing that's been happening as well is in the context of work for me lots of things have been changing so when I first started the podcast, I was in quite an exploratory place, actually. I was, you know, I was coaching, but I still considered myself to be quite a boring person, which I think I am, just so you know. I mean, compared to the people I talk to, I am, yeah, quite boring. But I won't keep going on about that. And now things are looking... Quite different. So everyone who's been listening to the podcast from the beginning, right up until now and moving onwards, I'm on my journey just as much as you are. And it's just such an incredible journey to be on. There are ups, there are downs, there are real lows, there are absolute uncoverings. There are total revelations. And that's what life is. Life doesn't have to be this crazy roller coaster constantly, unless that's what you want. But actually, it is an incredibly, amazingly powerful journey. And it's just enjoying the journey that really matters. So remember, going back to socials, still got the Instagram page there, Eternal Paradigm Podcast. I am going to be doing a few more things on Instagram, like, you know, maybe some reels and stuff like that. It's just all in the pipeline. Now I kind of... I'm officially holding this title, guys. Creativity coach and transformational therapist. That's what I do. And so as a transformational therapist, I use hypnosis, specifically RTT, to really work with subconscious programming. That in itself is a whole different conversation. And if you want to talk to me about it, Get in touch. I am always open to conversations. But you know that the podcast is not really all about me. It's about my guests and it's about what they bring with them. This episode is just brilliant because I am joined by the incredible Camilla Miller. And we have such an interesting conversation based on her experience and her work as parenting coach. Camilla really, really goes into her story about what happened, what opened up to her, what she realized. And then moving on from there, it's the possibilities that opened up for her. And there are lots of similarities in the work that Camilla does and in the work that I've been doing. It really, really shows when I'm listening to her how when we grow up as adults and we grow up physically physically, but we're still operating as the children that we were. So just a quick reminder, I have got an inner child exploration coming up over the summer. More details to that will follow. But now going back to Camilla, check her out, please. I mean, she has an incredibly active Facebook group and all the details to get in touch with Camilla are available in the show notes. Listen to this episode as well. So this is for anyone, anyone who really, really wants to understand how to really grow and add value to their parenting journey and to see their children flourish, which is what we all want. But this episode is not specific as such for parents, because what you hear and what you learn is is relevant to you as an individual so sharing all my love with you thank you for listening keep your feedback coming absolutely love it and with that I'll leave you with this episode

SPEAKER_01: 7:04

Hello, thank you so much for having me here. I'm so excited to be here. My name is Camilla Miller. It is my married name. Most people laugh at my name, but my parents weren't that cruel. My husband did try a Priscilla first and ended up with a Camilla. So it is Camilla Miller. Easy to remember. I am a authorised language of listening coach, which I'm going to be telling you all about, about the difference in language of listening and how it can completely transform family life like it did with my

SPEAKER_00: 7:34

Wow. So there was a Priscilla before the Camilla came along. Yes.

SPEAKER_01: 7:41

It didn't last long, he promised. Okay. There is a Camilla.

SPEAKER_00: 7:46

Yeah, that's genius. So tell us more about, well, firstly, the language of listening, what it is, how it came about and how it showed up in your life.

SPEAKER_01: 7:57

Yeah, you know, it showed up in my life because I have two children. My son is now 14 and my daughter 12. But when he was born, He was the most easiest, compliant, laid back kind of child. And I didn't really have to think much about my parenting. And I thought, actually, I was quite epic at this because he was so easy. And I didn't really have to think much about what I was doing. And I remember going to all these playgroups and these moms saying that they were struggling. And I was thinking, what's all the fuss about? He was so easy. And it was only when my daughter was born that things started to change. And she was one of these not to 60 kind of kids, I like to call them, the ones that go you know, that take over family life and the loud ones and the tantrums. The tantrums used to take over family life. She used to say the witch had come to visit because these tantrums, she would literally foam at the mouth and kick and scream. And it was a complete nightmare. For a few years, I was fighting with my husband about the best way to discipline her. And nothing I seemed to do was working. And I was told I just needed to be firmer and be stricter and tell her what's what. And all of that was just leaving me a way too much. I'd go to bed feeling like I was going down with a sore throat or the flu. And I just realized I'd been shouting all day. And I ended up feeling that there was something wrong with me. Like, why can't I do it? Why is like the naughty step not working? Why are all these reward charts not working? And I thought there was something wrong with me. And then I started thinking there was something wrong with her, that why can't she do it? All these other kids seem to be fine, but what was the matter with her? And I remember the situation was the turning point for me. I remember going to the supermarket with her And she had this major meltdown. I had to leave a trolley full of food and dragging her out of the supermarket. I was mortified and embarrassed. I remember holding her a bit too tight under the arm and thinking to myself, I'm going to win. I'm going to win this argument. And it was that thought that I suddenly realized, oh my goodness, if I'm winning, then she's losing. And no wonder we're stuck in this power struggle. And why am I struggling in trying to power over my gorgeous four-year-old daughter? None of that worked. And that's when I started looking for answers. I knew there had to be another way. I knew that it wasn't that I was bad or there was something wrong with her. I knew that it was just the tools I was using wasn't working. And I found Language of Listening. On the internet, I was Googling one night. I was up all night fretting about it, as we do. And I came across this amazing training. It took me two years to train. So I'm now the only authorized language listening coach in the UK. But really, it answered all my questions. It answered what I was looking for, that I wanted to still remain in charge, but I wanted to also bring out my children's greatness. And everything just fell into place. It just started working. It's like a little bit of parenting magic.

SPEAKER_00: 10:52

Oh gosh, there's so much in that story. There's two things that I'd like to circle back to really. One is the reward chart and the second thing is the naughty step. Actually, no, there's so much more. There's the shouting, then there's the winning and losing and the comparison to other children. Yes. There's so much there because, you know, if that's what we're getting as children and that's what we're expecting as adults, No matter we're so unhappy and so unfulfilled.

SPEAKER_01: 11:25

Yes, because it's this idea that we need to control another human. Do you know, I used to have this thought that if only my daughter would listen, I wouldn't have to shout. And she was most probably thinking that only if mommy didn't shout, I would listen. You see this funny cycle we put ourselves in. No wonder she didn't listen because who would listen to someone who's shouting and mean? You know, it's quite funny when we think about it. I think we have to laugh about it because it's just human nature and it sort of takes the judgment out of what we do. I mean, it's human nature how we work. It's a funny cycle we get ourselves on because if we think about it, we get frustrated. So we shout more. And then of course, And then we think about going into the threats. And if you don't do as I say, then you're going to take away the iPad, you know, or take away something. If you think about that as an adult, if someone took away my phone, I would be pretty livid and I most probably wouldn't listen to that person or do as they say. Would you? If someone took your things away from you?

UNKNOWN: 12:25

No.

SPEAKER_00: 12:27

No, definitely not. I'm just thinking about this morning, actually. The school run was interesting because my daughter refused to put her seatbelt on. She just didn't understand why I was fussing about it because I was driving anyway. It didn't matter if she had it on. And it's these things, right? Because as adults, we're kind of immediately looking at danger. No, this shouldn't happen. And to the child, there is no full understanding at that point. Because in her eyes, she was just like, the seatbelt's an irritant. I don't need it. And you're driving and not focusing on me. So what are you talking about? And then I had to kind of work out how to explain to her why she needed to be wearing her seatbelt. You know, the whole kind of why. And even then, it wasn't good enough for her. And I was like, okay, how do I explain this one without getting to that point of saying, right, fine, well, I'm not going to drop you off to school then. Because that's what I really

SPEAKER_01: 13:24

wanted to say. I know, yes. It's challenging, isn't it, as a parent? And that's what I love about language of listening, because it gives you this wonderful, simple three-step coaching model where you actually understand why your child's behavior makes sense, why she's doing that, and how to get what you want in a way that actually works. And how old is your daughter? So the youngest is four. Four, so she's four, yes. Do you know what? Our children see the world so differently than we do. So differently. They don't have logic and reasoning. She has no logic about why she needs to wear a seatbelt. They believe Father Christmas flies around the world delivering presents overnight. They believe that's true.

SPEAKER_00: 14:05

Then that's magic,

SPEAKER_01: 14:08

right? Because I want some of that. Because then she's coming back with counter reasons about why she doesn't need it in her logic. And you're getting more frustrated because you think if you just understood why you have to wear a seatbelt, you would wear it. Yeah. Yes. But she doesn't care. So that's the cycle we find ourselves on. So in the lounge of listening, we say there's no logic, less reasons. I think we try and convince our children why our way is better rather than just holding the boundary.

SPEAKER_00: 14:49

This is so true. When you say no logic, this is actually quite interesting because I was running a training session yesterday about this and how Western thinking and just generally parenting has become this logical model Although I wasn't actually talking about parenting, I was talking about it in the context of work and thinking. We're programmed to be logical, right? Because that's how our brain likes to be, like organized, functioning. Yeah,

SPEAKER_01: 15:17

because we're adults. We say logic in a way, I think, to convince the other person that we're right and they're wrong. Actually, we're both right. So if you just know that you're right, we don't have to justify ourselves. And this is a lot of the thing we do in parenting. And this is why I love language of listening, because it's not just a parenting model. It's actually just how humans work. And you can use it with your partner, with your in-laws. I've got clients who use it at work. And to get rid of the logic is just that you're both right. I think we grow up thinking there's only one way to do something. And that's why we go into this logic to convince the other person. It's this right or wrong. rather than, of course, you don't want to wear your seatbelt, darling. You know, it's really annoying and you really don't want to wear it. And you have to wear a seatbelt in the car. So the child feels, of course, your child is still right for not wanting to wear the seatbelt. And you're right for wanting to wear it. So that's the boundary rather than trying to convince your child to want to like it. Guess what? They don't have to want to like it. They might have to do it. But we want to feel connected. We want to feel understood. And so when we say what you see, which is the first step in language of listening, a framework is always to get on your child's side. Why does that behavior make sense? And when we connect with our child without the logic, without the judgments and assumptions, we get into the moment. The child feels validated. They feel heard. the connection is met and then they're primed to want to listen to us. And then we're primed to want to offer the guidance because we're not frustrated getting into an argument about who's right and who's wrong.

SPEAKER_00: 16:53

Yeah. Right at the beginning, when you were talking about your story and when you first discovered the language of listening, you said it was the discovery of another way. And that's what is so interesting about it, because actually it Really, it's not another way because it's how it should be to look at another person, to look at another child as a whole and complete human being. as opposed to having this right or wrong or winning and losing, good and bad type of judgment looming over it all.

SPEAKER_01: 17:27

Yes, exactly. It is so simple when we move away from the judgment and the control because control is always an illusion. We can never control another person. We might control a child in the moment and we might... We can never get your child to do something. If we use control, it's always with resentment. It is always out of guilt or fear when we use control over a child. And that's not what we really want. We want to get the willing cooperation. I do believe that most of us, I know myself in the past, see parenting as very black and white. We see that there's only two options, is that my job is to control my children. My job is to teach my children in fixed situations and And we react to a lot of fear as parents. And if we think if we're not doing this, if we're not taking the iPad away or the consequences and all the other things that we're made to believe we need to do, then the only option is permissive, which is let the kids get away with it. I hear this a lot, like pick your battles. Like it is a win-lose paradigm. Because if we're controlling our child, we're winning and our child is losing. And if we're permissive, the child's winning and we're losing. Nowhere on that cycle works. And that's why it's exhausting because permissive isn't good either. So language of listening is all about guiding your children to the behavior that you want because you still want boundaries. This enables you to still hold firm with your boundaries. You are still in charge. But at the same time, it's all about bringing out your child's inner greatness so they gain confidence in their abilities, they have a positive inner voice, and they base their decisions on who they believe they are, not on the fear of missing out on a play date or the fear of not getting the iPad. To raise children who know what they want, know how to get their needs met within your boundaries, and they see the possibilities in life. And that's what I want. I think that's what we all want for our children.

SPEAKER_00: 19:22

Yeah, absolutely. And why wouldn't you? You know, it's so interesting because I'm listening to everything you're saying. And this whole thing about the inner voice is so important, especially in the work that I do with my clients, because the inner voice is usually not even the voice of the person. It's that voice of myself. primary caregivers that has been running the internal dialogue, which is why a lot of adults have been feeling so unfulfilled and unsettled and have this sense of feeling unworthy because everything has always operated from a control or lack mentality.

SPEAKER_01: 20:05

It's true. I think there's a huge gap between what we think We're teaching our children what we think we're doing. Because as parents, we mean well. We mean well. We love our children. We want to see them be successful. Majority of us as parents, we love our children. We want to see them grow. But there's a huge gap between what we think we're doing and the messages our children take away. And the inner voice is, I'm not good enough. I can't do it. Or I feel ignored or I feel unworthy. Yeah, these are the messages that do start in childhood. I agree.

SPEAKER_00: 20:37

Yeah, so much. One of the things you mentioned in your personal uncovering and when you were really looking for answers was the arguing with your husband, right? because of your daughter basically having these tantrums. And so what happens now? What happened at that point? Because you've obviously gone and done this whole course, which has transformed everything for you. How did that then play out in your relationship? Because as parents, you're a team. Even as a single parent, you may have people that you connect with to offer you that support to prop you up in what needs to be done. How did that work out for you and what were the biggest insights and learnings when it came to your relationship at that point or as you as a kind of a unit as parents?

SPEAKER_01: 21:27

Yeah, I think it was actually seeing that me and my husband, we both wanted the same thing for our daughter. We both wanted to see her thrive and not have mega tantrums. You know, she didn't want them either. For me, I think it's easy when we're battling with our partner or another family member is actually to see the greatness in that person. in the way that we were raised. We go on autopilot, and if we think the only option is to come down strict and shout and control and punish, then That's the model we see. We don't see another way. When I work with parents as well is to share with both parents that there's a way to get what you want as well as supporting the child. And coming alongside my husband and learning together, he also saw the success with it. Because I remember asking my daughter once when she was little, I said, how come you listen to me? And she said, because you get me, mommy, you understand me. And that was a real turning point because you he started realizing that actually when children feel heard and validated, that is when you get the willing cooperation, you can offer the guidance. Because until your child feels connected, heard, seen, they are not willing to listen to you because we wouldn't either as human beings, we don't tend to listen to people that find fault in us and punish us. We don't look to them for guidance. So that was the step really is working together and seeing the end goal is what we want is to offer the love and guidance rather than the control.

SPEAKER_00: 23:07

Yeah, and that just makes so much sense. When you're working with parents, because you're working with parents all the time, What have been the biggest revelations and insights that parents have gained within their own parenting from working with you?

SPEAKER_01: 23:23

Well, most parents come to me because, as I said before, we don't really question our parenting until things go wrong, until things are like, I can't take this anymore. like you can't take the behavior anymore when there's too much shouting going on at home and there's too much stress that's when parents tend to reach out to me it's fascinating that within a couple of weeks the tantrums have gone from like five hours or the arguments at home have gone from five hours to literally non-existent within a couple of weeks which is incredible and then parents say to me oh maybe my good child isn't good for the right reasons that's when you start realizing that the good child the one we we seem good is actually the the obedient child, yes, the compliant child, and maybe they're not obedient and compliant for the right reasons. And then we want to change. That's a big aha moment. But also, it is about not... teaching and fixing and all these things we're made to believe to do. It's actually exhausting as a parent to feel like we're always having to do and mold and fix situations and make our kids happy. And that's the biggest realization, actually. It's so much easier this way. It's more relaxing. There's less to do. I think it's more about trusting your child, seeing the transformation, seeing the pathway, and seeing the successes along the way, rather than seeing them as situations that are It's

SPEAKER_00: 24:50

so interesting because the whole, and I use that word a lot, which is quite irritating for me, but interesting. But the whole thing you mentioned also, it's like, you know, we parent on autopilot, we parent based on how our parents parented us. Then you have some people who make a very active decision to never parent the way that their parents parented them, but they still don't know how to parent. Yes.

SPEAKER_01: 25:17

And I find that a lot because if we didn't like to be, a lot of people, if we grew up with a very strict background and we were shouted at or belittled or shamed or, you know, the punishment, and we don't want that for our children, we tend to be more permissive and we let our boundaries go and go and go and go. And then we end up losing our cool. And neither were good. Being overly permissive or overly trying to fix our kids and make our kids happy the whole time and try and use logic and reasoning. And it's just, it's exhausting.

SPEAKER_00: 25:46

Yeah. Logic, reason, scare tactics, taking this away. My favourite one, actually, my daughter pointed this out to me. She said, Mum, you know what? Lately, you've stopped telling me what it was like when you were a kid, which is really nice. And I thought, but I realised because what I was doing is even if I wasn't comparing them to someone else, I was still comparing them to me, which was making them feel almost like not heard, not listened to and not valid because I was comparing their childhood to mine. Yes. Yeah. And that's the other thing. It's funny. Which we do. It's funny what we do as humans.

UNKNOWN: 26:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 26:28

Give myself a good giggle. Yeah. So tell us more about, Camilla, where can people find out more about you, what you do, what's happening? You know, where, what, why? Tell us.

SPEAKER_01: 26:42

Yeah, well, I have a website, keepingyourcoolparenting.com. I call it Keeping Your Cool because that was really not me at the beginning of my journey. And this model really does help you remain calm, in charge, in control of your own reactions, stop shouting. And I've got lots of blogs on there that introduces you to the language. of listening. you can also reach out there to connect. I do lots of one-to-one work, a lot of work is with husband and wives together because I love that, to bring parents together to be on the same sheet, to be able to support each other as well and support the family and get the family life they so want. I also have a Facebook group, which I'll share the link with. I'm going to be doing some more workshops coming up. I've got a workshop coming up this summer about how to stop shouting at your kids and get your kids to listen willingly. Willingly, that's what we want. Our kids wanting to listen to us.

SPEAKER_00: 27:40

Oh, wow. That's going to be incredible. On your Facebook group, which I am a part of, and I have to thank Maria for adding me on because it's so valuable because you even share some incredible tips on your Facebook page. Then you've got your blog again, which is incredible in terms of what you're sharing. When you're out and about and you see situations unfolding and you can hear what the parent's saying, see how the child's behaving, how do you view the situation, respond to the situation? Do you find yourself in this position where you're out and about and you're like, I really just want to say something, but I'm not going to? Or do you just kind of step away? I

SPEAKER_01: 28:25

learn to step away now. Yes. I do say to myself, I wish they knew language of listening. It would make life so much easier. But, you know, I see the greatness in parents. I see in that situation the parents struggling and trying their best. I do see that. There was a couple of times I have actually stepped in. I will tell you a funny story about I saw this mum once where I went to Claire's accessories with my daughter. She must have been about eight at the time. And it was quite late. It was like 5.30. The shops were just about to shut. And this young mom walked in with this three-year-old boy. You know, this place is like full of sparkly stuff and full of rows and rows of things that the child could pick up. And the mother goes to the back of the shop and leaves the boy in the front of the shop all by himself. And he's three. Yes. So the boy starts touching everything. And then he picks up a packet of sweets. He takes the top off this tube of sweets and he necks the whole pack of sweets.

UNKNOWN: 29:22

Brilliant.

SPEAKER_00: 29:23

Well, look, he's three. He can get access to the suite. That makes

SPEAKER_01: 29:26

sense. I get that. And she's left him there. So me and the shop assistant, we're all like looking. And so she comes and pays for something. And this little boy is like still got a mouthful of food, trying to swallow it. And she noticed that he's eating, obviously.

UNKNOWN: 29:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 29:43

And starts telling him off and shouting at him. So I was, I did feel really sad for this boy. She was like dragging him out of the shop saying, well, that's it. We're not going out for dinner now. And I did interrupt. And I said, look, I don't usually interrupt, but I saw this whole situation unfold. And you can tell me to shut up anytime, but I saw this unfold. And I just wanted to let you know that you did leave your son in that position. And to expect him not to do that at three years old is quite tricky, isn't it? To be able to... A lot of the time we put our kids in situations that they can't handle and then we blame our kids. I did kept on saying, look, I don't want to speak out of turn. I didn't want to judge her, but I didn't want to let her know, hey, do you know what? You did leave your child in that situation. And she did end up thanking me and saying, yeah, you know what? You're right. Thank you so much for pointing that out. They ended up going happily off together.

SPEAKER_00: 30:36

The amount of times you kind of see stuff like that. And also they're so little, they just wander off, don't they? Inkless accessories, everything's sparkly. Yeah,

SPEAKER_01: 30:45

and I think to see things from your child's point of view is so important. You know, I see family outings to the supermarket at eight o'clock when the kids are hungry and tired and both parents are there. You're thinking, why not leave one in the car? That's what I think. And the kids are crying and fussing and they're told off.

UNKNOWN: 31:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 31:03

A lot of the time is we put kids in situations which they cannot handle and then we blame them. And that puts more stress on our kids and more stress on ourselves as parents.

SPEAKER_00: 31:12

That's so true. Yes. So I have very interesting conversations with my husband about this very thing because he is he likes him to be involved in everything, which is great. So do I. But at the same time. when they've just finished an after-school club they are tired hangry don't take them to the supermarket because that's not a good time to get the weekly shopping but to him yeah and then he'll come back and he'll be like oh gosh it was so hard I'm not going again and there was this and I'm like okay we're gonna have to just review this because Probably not the best timing. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01: 31:49

When we set out for success, we get better results rather than having to blame our kids and get ourselves frustrated.

SPEAKER_00: 31:56

Yeah. As you say that, the setting up for success, there's a huge sense of personal awareness, personal accountability as a parent that comes into play. And that, again, is something that we're taught from the chasm of this kind of logical thinking mindset. And then we throw that onto our kids. I'm not sure that's helpful.

SPEAKER_01: 32:19

I know. Also, I think the word discipline comes from the word disciple, which means to teach. I see this a lot, and I used to do it myself as well, but we tell our children what we don't want and then expect them to be able to do it, but we haven't actually told them how to do it. And I think it's a bit like teaching a child to read once and then expecting them to be able to read a book but never teach them how to or never practice how to. And you see this a lot with kids coming out of school and that they're told off or they'd be naughty at school. And the parents say or the teacher says, well, next time try better. But what does better mean? How does the child learn? know how to do that without teaching them self-regulation skills or how to calm down, how to speak calmly, how to get their needs met in a way that you do like. Just telling our child not to do something, it's not very helpful.

SPEAKER_00: 33:11

Totally agree with that. So I have a thing where I will actually say to the kids that trying is lying. They're like, why? What does that mean? It's because, partly because of what I do is when you say to a child, exactly like you said, to try harder, in their head, they still think that there's a goal that they have to achieve and they beat themselves up while they're trying to get to it. And my son, I see him do this all the time because to him, try harder still means showing up in that classroom and trying to beat a clock because that's what his teachers told him to do. But In between the little steps of being able to focus, being able to read the question, being able to understand it, being able to articulate it, to make sure he's understood it, all of those little steps are missed. But to him, he's still trying. I agree. Yes. Which

SPEAKER_01: 34:05

makes him feel worse. And also, do you know what? When you say to a child, try harder, in that moment, that child has tried his hardest. So therefore, that try harder, what does that mean? That he's not trying hard? And this little poor boy is like, I'm trying the hardest I can. And yet it's never good enough. So no wonder we become adults that it's never good enough because I'm trying my hardest and I'm still told to try harder. And as you said, we don't miss those steps and we don't see the successes A child that's gone from having a full-blown tantrum to stamping their feet, that's a success, yeah? Absolutely. That's a success. A child goes from stamping her feet to growling like a tiger or like a dinosaur, that's a success. We miss that if we're just wanting the end goal. We don't see the successes along the way. And we don't see that, oh my goodness, that took so much self-control to stump your feet. rather than throwing something across the room. That

SPEAKER_00: 35:04

is a success. That is. I totally, totally agree. And then what happens is, again, in my line of work, we become adults who just focus on the goal, trip up a million times trying to get to it, get frustrated with ourselves and never stop to look at the successes that we have basically had because we're just not designed to celebrate those successes. Well, we are, but we're taught not to.

SPEAKER_01: 35:31

We're taught not to. I agree. And we don't enjoy the journey. This is the thing, especially with children, is that we don't enjoy the amazingness of our kids, of seeing their successes. We just want the end goal. And as you said, we do the same thing with ourselves. And we don't enjoy the, there's no end goal. Each day is an amazing opportunity to see the strengths, to see how you yourself are changing and adapting in the same thing with your children. to enjoy the moment and to see your child's amazingness and to see their strengths is so much more rewarding than waiting for like trying to fix and control and trying to get to this end goal that might never happen.

SPEAKER_00: 36:13

Absolutely and that's so so powerful. Camilla I'd like to ask you and I like to ask all my guests this would you leave a question for the listeners to get them thinking about what they can do to really connect with themselves. Because the language of listening, it sounds like it works on several levels. And correct me if I'm wrong, because I still have to join all of this with you. But, you know, if you could leave a question with the listeners about something that they could really kind of think about, do, or something that came up for you. when you were learning about what you didn't want to be as a parent?

SPEAKER_01: 36:58

Yes, you're so right with language of listening. It is not only a parenting model, it's a self-coaching model. The first step, we all say that all behavior makes sense. all behavior makes sense. Even when I was shouting like a complete lunatic, all behavior made sense. So rather than beating myself up thinking, oh my God, I've got it wrong, is to ask, why am I shouting? Or why am I behaving in a way that I don't like? And when you understand why behavior makes sense and why your behavior makes sense, you can then find another way to get that need met in a way that you do like. And so it all comes back to why you could ask yourself, why am I shouting? Or why Why am I... What's showing up that you don't like in your life for yourself or for your children? And ask yourself, Why would I do that? Or you could ask yourself a question based for your child, which is why would my amazing, gorgeous, wonderful child do that? Why does that behavior make sense? When you come from that place, you come from a place of curiosity. You come from a place of finding answers rather than judgment, rather than labeling ourselves or labeling our children. And that's when we get to the real understanding of what is going on and how to change that in a way that works for you and for

SPEAKER_00: 38:13

your child. That's brilliant. Can you just remind us one more time of your website details, please? Yes, my website is keepingyourcoolparenting.com. Brilliant. Thank you so much for joining me, Camilla. Everything that you have shared has been so valuable. Exactly like you said, you don't have to be a parent to understand the value that you can get from just joining the Facebook group and also just from reading your blog posts because it's far... You said people you're working with are using this in the workplace. It's probably the best place it could be used in the workplace. Yes.

SPEAKER_01: 38:52

And imagine raising adults who know this, raising adults who see the world in this way, raising adults who can communicate in this way. This will change the workplace. This will change society because they base their decisions on their greatness and see the world in this way. I hope you enjoyed

SPEAKER_00: 39:12

that. Thank you for joining me for this episode of Eternal Paradigm. Join me next time.